One week into 2018
It's been a while since I've written. (Obviously, if you read this blog you know that because you haven't read it in like two months.) That wasn't for any particular reason-- but I wasn't feeling very motivated to write during the holidays, plus cold season has started up so I've spent the better part of the last month or so just blowing my nose because I have a three year old who wipes her boogers everywhere and coughs in my mouth and it's no mystery why I seem to get one virus after another. Anyways, even though I've been feeling fine for a while, when I sleep one of my nostrils still always gets stopped up. Few things make me as uncomfortable as not being able to breathe through both nostrils, and that's why I am awake at 5:30 and decided to sit down and write something.
The holidays were a little tricky this year, because we kind of wanted to ignore them, but we also have an obligation to make life both as normal and as magical for Ellie as we are able to do. So for Christmas we took her up to Hershey for a couple of days so we could stuff our faces with chocolate and ride a Ferris wheel. (Fun fact: Ferris is capitalized because it is a proper name. George Washington Gale Ferris Jr. designed the first Ferris wheel for the World's Colombian Exposition in Chicago in 1983.) Ellie had a blast at the park. She's definitely a thrill seeker, which is such a fun contrast to her unfailingly sweet nature, and also a surprise coming from a person as tiny as she is. But she insisted on riding every single height-appropriate ride, absolutely melted down when she wasn't tall enough to ride the swings, and asked if she could do one of those giant freefall rides that she won't actually be tall enough to go on for like probably ten years. She's fearless, unless confronted with an opportunity to take a picture with Santa, and it was fun giving her an opportunity to remind us of that.
Ignoring Christmas on December 25, or rather, celebrating Jewish Christmas by taking Ellie to her first movie (Ferdinand: go see it, it's great) and then having Chinese food for dinner, was kind of an ideal way to minimize the emotional impact of what should have been Baby's First Christmas. We came home from Hershey and celebrated Christmas a couple days late, since Ellie can't read a calendar anyways. We talked Santa into visiting our house on December 26, told Ellie it was Christmas eve, and while the rest of the world was starting to return their gifts, we were just opening ours. Somehow, doing Christmas on a different day from the rest of the world made it easier to tolerate this year-- we were faking our holiday spirit anyways, so faking Christmas itself didn't feel like too big a stretch.
It's a tricky balance, trying to make the holidays at all enjoyable, acknowledging the person you are missing, and trying to give that the proper time and space it deserves without getting completely bogged down in it. I suspect we will have to make adjustments every year for a while to honor that balance. Around Thanksgiving (which we spent at Ruth's Chris and I would be absolutely fine just making that our annual Thanksgiving tradition from now on; filet mignon is better than turkey and not having leftovers is a reasonable trade for not having to cook or clean up) I felt restless-- I ordinarily have no trouble counting my numerous blessings. But this year, it was hard to see past the giant hole that Sam left in our lives-- when you should be thankful for the addition of a healthy child to your home but you're grieving him instead, how can you find it in yourself to be grateful?
So I worked hard to consider the things I am thankful for and to keep them in mind this season. Obviously, I am thankful for Mike and Ellie-- my family does not look today how I expected it to this time last year. But we are a tight little unit, full of love and a lot of joy to counterbalance our sadness. We are all healthy, (you know, except for the colds we keep passing to one another, which if you think about it, is just another display of love) we are all warm and sheltered in this cold winter, and we have the things we need. But this year I also found a lot of space within me to be grateful for the incredible care and support I have received since we lost Sam. I not only benefited from medical care which has kept me safe and sane during and after my pregnancy, but I have benefited from a true support network of people who really get it. I hate that there are so many of us but I love that we are able to find each other and connect and share our experiences and support. I know I've beat this drum before, but if there's anything good to come out of losing a baby, it's the sense of understanding that you get from someone else who has been through the exact same thing and somehow lived to share their story with you.
I hope our 2018 will contain more joy than our 2017. And I hope yours will too.*
*Provided we don't all perish in the nuclear winter which we appear to be hurtling towards.