Christmas 2018

Dear Sam, Last year I couldn’t imagine buying you a stocking for it to be left empty every year. This year I couldn’t imagine leaving you out of our stocking lineup. And since it’s true that an empty stocking is terribly depressing, I’ll tuck this note into yours. What a year you’ve had— you became a big brother!! I firmly believe you selected Poppy for us. Maybe you knew that Ellie needed a little sister to help heal her heart from the terrible loss of a brother. She does claim to hate boys, even though she clearly loves the ones she is closest to— Dada, all the boy cousins, and especially you. When we visit your spot she still shouts greetings down to the ground for you. She runs and skips and plays with you. She’s an incredible big sister— I’ve always been amazed at the way she has managed to seamlessly integrate you into her life. But seeing her welcome Poppy this year has convinced me that if there were some kind of Big Sister Award, Ellie would definitely win it. She hasn’t shown an ounce of jealousy, only delight towards the baby. She always makes sure Poppy has a toy to hold, is careful that they aren’t too small or dangerous, loves to give her hugs and tickles, and just hates to let her nap because that means they can’t play. (That last thing is a bit of an issue we need to address but the underlying intent is so pure it’s hard to be mad.) And I know you hand selected Poppy for me, too. Maybe you knew I needed a baby who was remarkably like Ellie. Having many of the same issues means that even the challenges feel like comfortable, familiar territory to me. Baby doesn’t sleep unless held? Okay, fine. We wanted desperately to rock our baby all night anyways. Ellie didn’t (doesn’t) sleep either and there’s nothing anyone could say that would convince me that the way we parent at night— soothing and responding to fears and needs for security— hasn’t vastly contributed to the kind, sweet demeanor that she exhibits during the daylight hours. Baby doesn’t eat solids? Pshhh. Neither did Ellie and eventually she figured it out. Teething is a nightmare? Whatever. Teething is temporary— in a year and a half she’ll have all her teeth (she got her first one this week— only 19 to go!) and then we’ll need to find other excuses for why she is a bad sleeper. And all these challenges are easier to navigate than the everlasting parenting challenge I’ll have with you— how to comprehend the fact that I’ll never know what you would have been like as a baby, as a boy, as a man. While I’m in these trenches of the baby stage with Poppy, it all seems so much easier because I’ve done it before, I have a roadmap of what to expect, and because even in the hard long nights, I have my warm baby to hold, and at the center of it all, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted. So thank you for making sure she is here. Merry Christmas, Sam. I love you and I miss you every day. Mama